I'd be lying if I said things around here had been easy lately. But truly, when is life easy? It's just not. But sometimes, it sure does seem tougher than other times.
It's been a struggle to make it through with a smile most days, without breaking down and crying every time someone asks me how I am feeling, or how I'm going to make it work with two small ones at home, financially or mentally, because honestly, I still have no idea.
It's taken all my strength to drag my seven month pregnant, aching, tired body out of bed at 5:15 each morning, hit the ground running, leaving the house while it is still pitch black and before I get to see Miss M, who is still peacefully sleeping in her crib. I scramble into the classroom and go about teaching 25 first graders and try desperately to stay on top of the overwhelmingly mounting pile of demands and expectations that are placed on teachers these days, complete with managing parent volunteers, high school helpers, practicum students, reading groups, math groups, word study groups, and trying to tie in engaging, technological 21st learning century lessons with rigor and relevance. Just when I think I'm tired and the day should be done, I rush back to the car and fly home to try to muster up enough energy to enjoy the two precious hours I get to spend with my baby girl - my world - before she begins pitching a fit and is too tired to keep her eyes open and I have to fight her during the bedtime routine to get her to bed. By the time I get downstairs, I am too exhausted to think about cooking a meal for hubby and I, and I am past the starvation point anyway. I resign myself to dragging my work laptop out and my stack of papers to grade and I work on them until I've hit my breaking point, which is when I drag myself up the stairs and fall into bed just to do it again the next day, all with the impending knowledge that we have a little blessing coming to join our family in just 9 short weeks, and we don't have the time, money, resources, or energy to prepare for him, which just completely sends me over the ledge.
... Thanks for letting me vent...
The point of my post is to say that I don't by any means feel that I am the only one with these same issues out there. I know so many others are going through exactly what I'm feeling - just making it through day to day - and to an even worse extent in many cases.
One night when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself and was having a breakdown, my good ole' hubby said, "Steph - you need to stop and think about everything we DO have. Look at the positives." And he's right. I need to stop focusing on the anxiety and worry and stress and focus on what is going right in my life, for me and my family's sake.
So, I am jumping on the bandwagon. I wanted to do this last year but just didn't ever get around to it, not for the whole month at least, and I'm already behind this year! I am taking a few moments to write down what I am thankful for each day in November. Not only will this force me to look at what's going right in my life, but I hope it will also give me back a few minutes of "me" time in every day, because I do love spilling my heart onto the paper and hate that I haven't had the time or energy to do so lately.
Today, I am thankful for...
A gracious, merciful God who cares about me, loves me, and has a plan for me, even when I don't know what that plan may be. In my current state of mind, God and I have been spending a lot of quality time together - mostly on my 30 minute commutes to and from work each day. I realized the other day that I hadn't been spending a whole lot of time with him before I started getting in over my head, which made me feel sad and disappointed in my lack of focus towards a God whose focus is always on me, and he's never left my side - during the good, the bad, and the ugly. How easy it is to turn our back on him when things are going our way, but as soon as the times get rough, we cry out his name in desperation. I've been guilty of it before and I'm guilty of it now. I am so thankful; however, that our God provides for us if we are faithful towards him. One of my biggest struggles is just that - being faithful and trusting in him completely. It is so hard for me! I want to know the answers, how it's going to work, when it's going to work. I don't want to struggle. I want to have it all together for my family. But sometimes, I just don't, and I HAVE to just fully rely on God. It's something that is not easy for me. I can't just give it to God and let it go. I've tried, and I'm going to keep trying, but it's something I pray about in my daily conversations.
Today I am just so grateful to know that he has me in the palm of his hands. He loves me and his blessings are new each day, which I tell myself as I'm hoisting my body out of bed and amble towards the shower each morning. God has never promised us that life would be easy, but he did promise us that he loves us and has a plan for us.
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