On Wednesday, Billy and I had our much anticipated 20 week ultrasound. I was beyond excited to go see the little peanut, that had once looked like a blob, and now was resembling a baby! I rushed to meet Billy there after work and we were taken right into the ultrasound room. The tech showed us all the features of our growing baby, the legs, hand, heart, spine...it was incredible! She took a reading of the heart rate - 161 beats per minute. We saw "baby" cross their arms over their face, kick, and punch. I was on cloud nine. I looked as hard as I could for clues that would tell me if "baby" was a "he" or "she", but despite my hardest focusing, I couldn't tell! (Besides the fact I started getting extremely dizzy and had to rest in the middle of the ultrasound). We are guessing; however, that when the tech told us to look away, because she thought she had seen "it" earlier, she gave us a pretty big clue that we'll be having a baby boy!
When it was time to go meet with the doctor I expected a quick, 5 minute appointment like my others that consisted of, "How are you feeling?" "Everything looks great!" "See you in four weeks!" Unfortunately, to my dismay, the doctor came into the room reporting there were some issues we needed to discuss. I thought maybe something in my blood work (needed more iron?) or weight (gained too much?) or chart had been an issue, but didn't expect to hear her describing issues seen on the ultrasound with my baby.
The doctor first described a calcium deposit seen on the heart called an "echogenic focus". This bright spot is found in 3-5% of normal pregnancies. It is not harmful to the baby, but is a marker, or indicator, of some other abnormalities, specifically relating to chromosomal disorders. She then went on to explain that choroid plexus cysts were also found on the left and right sides of the brain. These at times appear and disappear on their own, but together with the bright spot on the heart, are another indication of a chromosome abnormality.
When she went on to say that I would be having a specialist call me for a level 2 ultrasound to be scheduled as soon as possible, I think I began to blank out. I had no words, no questions to ask, except - "Can you write that down?" I wish I had taken a moment to let my brain process and get more information. Unfortunately; now, I am left wondering until my appointment, which will hopefully take place some time next week while I have off for Spring Break.
It is all I can do to tell myself, "don't stress", "don't worry" - and I try to, because I know all that stress and worry is unhealthy for baby, but it's easier said than done. I have to admit that I have not been as strong as I would have liked to have been with this news. I was devastated. Billy has been so good about being positive and reminding me that no matter what, we are a team and we will love our baby. I am fighting to have a strong and positive faith.
With our "gender reveal" party approaching, I just can't help but think about how silly it all is in a way - because this appointment has put EVERYTHING in perspective for me. I have said it from the beginning, "As long as the baby is healthy, that's the only thing that matters." - and I've meant that - but now I feel as if the gender is completely irrelevant. Although I was completely crushed and thought of cancelling the party, I decided that the best thing to do is gather with friends and family and celebrate, because we ARE having a baby after all! :)
Even though I'm beyond worried and anxious, we do have so much to be thankful for and the best thing to do is surround ourselves with family and love. Plus, Billy and I would appreciate all the thoughts and prayers for our baby as possible, and that's why I've included our news on our blog. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send along your prayers for an otherwise healthy and normal ultrasound next week and throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. We know that faith and hope and prayers can move mountains, and I know that our God is great and has a plan. When I was completely devastated Wednesday night a friend reminded me of my favorite verse, (although she was unaware how special it is to me, and how I had already planned before this news to include this verse on the wall of the nursery):
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
God has a plan for each one of us. He has a plan for our baby. They might not be the plans we've dreamed up our whole lives. They may not be the plans we have hoped for, but there is a reason for all things. I just have to trust that He has plans for a hope and a future for our baby - and this keeps me going.
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